Getting Ahead

Why does it feel like it is so hard to get ahead in life? Something has changed. In the past each generation helped improve upon the next. My parent's parents worked hard to provide for their children so they could have a better life than them and my parent's worked hard so they could pay for me to go to college and I could get an education and have a job in a field I was passionate about. However, it has come to many people's attention that a Bachelor's degree no longer holds the weight it used to in getting a career, particularly it has come to my attention. I look back on my college career and how much money was spent and immediately feel this weight pressing down on me. I unfortunately also chose a field that not only requires loads of dollar signs put into the preparation and education but also very expensive equipment to get started. I remember a visiting professional photographer came to talk to us in school one day and he basically said the only way you are going to make it as a professional photographer is 1. if you are already wealthy or 2. if you know the right people. I having neither of these weapons under my belt, but already being in my fourth year of college, decided to push on feeling a little broken and very worried. I know I have the talent and the vision and the capabilities, but what I do not have is the camera, the computer, the lenses, the lights, the connections, etc. I have no money and I can't even find a decent job in the mean time, doing something I'm interested in. I'm feeling pretty down about this, so I don't even think I can wrap this up with a positive attitude. I am feeling like my generation got screwed. Where are the jobs we were promised our degrees would get us in high school? Maybe my attitude will be a little different later if some things turn around.

Pretty Colored Marbles

I had forgotten about this video I made for a class last year and randomly watched it last night. I remember thinking it sucked, but going back to it after so long I found it quite amusing. I was trying to exaggerate the typical art school short film. This, along with other things going on in my life, made me realize how self critical I am. Most of the time when I make something, I am embarrassed to even show people. That was one good thing about college, I was forced to. My creative efforts aren't the only thing I find myself squeamish at the thought of sharing- pretty much everything. I found out yesterday in one of my education classes, I am going to have to give a "talk" at the end of the semester on anything I want. This absolutely terrifies me, I even considered stopping all plans to become a teacher right there. I get uncomfortable talking to friends sometimes, how am I supposed to do it in front of 30 something strangers? However, I'm looking forward to it as much as I am dreading it. I am entirely sick of being so shy and critical of myself. I can look back on my life and see so many ways it has disadvantaged me. For some reason I am always assuming myself to be mediocre... someone who fades into the background. I always assume people don't remember me, or never really liked me that much or something else negative I've fabricated in my mind. I kind of think this is a human condition, just less prevalent in some. We are forced to face ourselves everyday, up close, all the time, and it's easy to find things you don't like when you look too hard. Anyway, it's my new goal to get over my shyness and stop doubting myself, and become comfortable knowing... not needing any reassurance from anyone but myself, just knowing. I plan on doing this without becoming a pompous asshole, of course :)

Second thought about pretty colored marbles, or pretty colored glass, or pretty colored glass paperweights.... the other night I was watching Antiques Roadshow and it was the one from their visit to Atlantic City (so pissed I missed it) and they had a woman on, an expert, talking about glass paperweights, specifically New England glass paperweights and Millville glass paperweights. I had no idea there was such an audience for glass paperweights that it would elicit a paperweight expert or even specific names for different kinds of styles, like the Millville Rose glass paperweight, and glass paperweight master artists! It lead me to the conclusion, humans are way too bored. I mean, yes we should create beautiful and functional things but... sometimes I get overwhelmed just thinking about all the unnecessary objects that are out there. Think about that number. It hurts my brain

Blooooggglollo

So, this is my first online journal, the 21st century likes to call a "blog". I guess I'm writing it because sometimes it's nice to talk to no one and everyone at the same time. It's kind of like the internet is a vast ocean and each little piece of information you send out is a message in a bottle, never knowing who will get it. At least that's how I like to think of it. I've entitled this blog, The Winter Itch because that is the best way to describe why I'm writing. Not necessarily because I literally feel like crawling out of my dry, itchy skin all the time (which I do), but because that describes my state of mind as well. Winter does something horrible to me that I am constantly trying to figure out. I try as much as I can to keep going outside and enjoying the world as I normally do, but more often than not, I find myself staring at my ceiling thinking about the most random things, and the most random solutions to every personal and global problem in the world. Not only is the itch the thinking, but the need to express it in some sort of way.

I hate winter and love it at the same time. I hate how dark it is. I hate how cold it is. I love how quiet it is. And I love how clear the sky is at night. Right now I am trying to love what I hate most about it, how it drives me insane. I've been obsessed with Mason Jennings lately, particularly the song Be Here Now. I listen to it everyday and try to take what it says to heart, because a lot of times I find myself wishing I was somewhere better, somewhere warmer, but I have to accept that I am here, and there is no other place to be. And even if I were somewhere else, I'd still probably feel the same things I feel here, on cold, dark New Jersey nights.

There still aren't many things I find more calming and beautiful than a winter sunrise on the East Coast. So, I guess I will hold onto that for now, until the Earth leans back towards the sun and I'm warm again. And, well, I guess that's my first blog. I kind of enjoyed that :)